Dog Days of March: Ranking Hot Dogs by Memory

Social Distancing Day 9 …

The sports are gone. The good food is gone. I haven’t interacted with a human in nine days. So here we are.

I’ve been to eight ballparks in the past two seasons, and I ate hot dogs at six of them. I’m no food critic, but I do love ballpark hot dogs and ranking things … and I kind of remember how hot dogs taste (like I kind of remember what baseball is like … or you know, human interaction).

#7 (unofficial) Miller Park

The hot dog at the ballpark famous for sausage races may have not lived up to the hype. I was recovering from an unfortunately timed stomach bug at the time, so I didn’t get to eat one myself (thus, the “unofficial” ranking), but from what I hear, Miller Park hot dogs don’t impress.

My brother’s take? “Grossest hot dog I’ve ever eaten in my entire life.”

That seems dramatic, but some people around us shared the same sentiment. The biggest redeeming factor? It was Dollar Dog Day. At Brewers games, maybe you get what you pay for. Let’s hope the everyday dogs are better.

Miller Park’s baked potato game, however, was on point.

Verdict: I don’t know. Maybe eat a baked potato.

#6 Coors Field

In the Mile High City, I went all in on the Denver Dog. This hot dog was not bad. It just wasn’t MY kind of hot dog.

Topped with green chili sauce, jalapenos and what seemed like a mile-high pile of shredded cheddar cheese, the Denver Dog looked delicious, and on paper, it should have been. But I didn’t like all the textures mixed together, especially with the sheer amount of shredded cheese.

It was also incredibly messy to eat … and I may have forgotten what I was doing and touched my eye after eating but before washing my hands. I won’t do that again.

Verdict: Sorry, Rockies, it’s not you. It’s me.

#5 Great American Ball Park

These next two were tough. I thoroughly enjoyed all the hot dogs from here on out, and there wasn’t really anything that set Nos. 4 and 5 apart from each other (I’ve flipped them multiple times.)

It all came down to regretting my decision at Great American Ball Park. I’m not trying to penalize the Reds for offering hot dogs that sound more delicious than the one I chose, but I chose a Nathan’s all-beef frank, and in a weird turn, I wish I would’ve gone with the other basic hot dog option … which means I must’ve not completely loved the one I ate.

(In reality, I wish I would’ve chosen Skyline Chili, but again, I can’t dock Great American Ball Park for having options.)

Verdict: Pretty great American hot dog, but I would change my order next time.

#4 Busch Stadium

I love Busch Stadium hot dogs, and as a Cardinals fan, I’ve eaten a lot of them throughout my life. But the one I ate on the particular night in question wasn’t as great as I know a Busch Stadium hot dog can be.

I had also eaten a giant lunch at Ballpark Village before sitting around for hours waiting out a thunderstorm, so I probably wasn’t the hungriest. I’d still order it again if given the chance and recommend it to anyone asking.

Verdict: Great, but not greatest.

#3 Target Field

I’d consider this one a sleeper. Target Field was fairly generic in my opinion, but the hot dog (even on $1 Wednesday) was anything but.

I respect a hot dog tasty enough to stand on its own without condiments, and this one did just that, packing in a ton of flavor with every bite. And at the low price of $1, it packed in even more value.

The Minnesota Twins don’t skimp when it comes to dollar dogs.

Verdict: The dollar dog at Target Field may be one of the best ways to spend a buck.

#1 (tie) Guaranteed Rate Field, Wrigley Field

I get it. Ties are disappointing, but we all root for them when it comes to multiple teams winning a division we have no stake in, so let’s pretend this is that.

I’m putting my anti-Cubs bias aside and handing over the top trophy to both Chicago teams because let’s face it, the town knows its hot dogs.

In most cases, my favorite way to eat a hot dog is plain, on a bun and dipped in ketchup … with the exception of the Chicago dog, which is the real champion here.

(And yes, I realize it’s weird to eat a plain hot dog and dip it in ketchup.)

I can’t crown one single champion. They both exceeded my high expectations, delivering on big flavor from both a hot dog and condiment standpoint.

For those not familiar, Chicago-style hot dogs feature mustard, sport peppers, tomatoes, neon green relish, a dill pickle spear and onions, all on a poppyseed bun. Basically perfection. (I always leave off the onions, though.)

The South Side dog was slightly more beautiful than the North Side one … but only because I loaded up the Wrigley one myself.

Verdict: As much as it hurts me to say it, Chicago is king when it comes to hot dogs.

Honorable Mention: T-Mobile Park

This one didn’t make the list only because it’s pretty much impossible to rank a fish sandwich against a hot dog. But honestly, if I could have any food right now, I might choose the Ivar Dog (brought to you by a regional fish chain in Washington.)

Maybe I’m just hungry. (I am.) But this fish sandwich is one of the best fish sandwiches I’ve ever eaten in my life. Topped with tartar sauce and coleslaw, this fried cod was also one of the best things I’ve ever eaten at a sporting event.

With a stunning view of Puget Sound just outside the ballpark, a fish dog is the perfect answer to a landlocked stadium’s hot dog. Plus, it’s Lent-friendly if that’s your thing.

Dear Mariners, I want one right now.

Verdict: Does a fried fish sandwich make a good substitute for a hot dog? No. It makes a great one.

Have a good hot dog suggestion? Let me know in the comments.